As coaches, we rightly place player wellbeing at the heart of everything we do. But, says Steph Fairbairn, it is just as important that we look after ourselves
While we are starting to wake up to the fact that coaches, like players, need to take care of their mental health and wellbeing, there is still such a long way to go to make that an industry priority.
It is important, though, that in a vocation that doesn’t always look after us, we do our best to look after ourselves.
Here are some ideas that might help you do just that..
Everyone gets into coaching for one reason or another.
It could be that you have stopped playing but want to stay involved in the game, want to contribute to your community or that your child has started playing and the club needs volunteers to help run the team.
It is true that everyone stays in coaching for a reason, too. Hopefully you enjoy it or you get a lot out of it.
Maybe it is helping you develop skills that support you in other areas of your life. Or, maybe, you feel like if you weren’t doing it, who else would?
Whatever your reasons are, having an understanding of them will give you a firm base to refer back to and make your decisions from.
The most obvious question to ask yourself is: are your reasons positive? If you started coaching to stay involved in the game, are you enjoying staying involved?
If you are continuing to coach because you feel like the team depends on you, is that a valid reason? Are you being fair on yourself? You deserve to enjoy it too.
It is probably not something I should be advocating so early in this piece, but I’m not sure we say it enough: if coaching isn’t serving you, don’t be afraid to step back from it.
I have a good friend that has done just that, having decided that coaching wasn’t for them anymore. It is really brave to admit that to yourself and give yourself the permission to stop coaching.
Soccer isn’t going anywhere – if you want to come back to it in the future, it’s there. And if you don’t, that’s okay, too.
One thing I have learned from watching my friend stop coaching is that others are really quick to say, "You’ll be back soon" or "You just need to find the right club for you".
While never ill-intentioned, these kinds of comments don’t necessarily give space for the experiences of the person stopping coaching.
So if you want to stop coaching, give yourself some grace. And if you see others doing it, give that grace to them, too.
For those that continue to coach, it’s a good idea to measure how coaching is impacting you. Essentially: Do the good parts outweigh the bad?
You could even go as far as tracking it on your phone or writing it down. Choose a number on a scale of 1-10 after every practice or game that you coach, or every time you sit down to do some planning or admin, to indicate how you are feeling. Maybe also add some context to why you chose that number.
Coaching, like everything in life, will have its ups and downs. When you’re on an up, it is sometimes hard to recall the downs, and vice versa.
Tracking the ups and downs over time will allow you to have a more objective view of the impact coaching is having on you, and when changes might need to be made.
As coaches, most of us will have certain ideas of how we want to do things or what things should look like.
Having a vision to aim at is really important - but it is also important to recognise the constraints and limitations you are working with. There are so many things you can’t control in soccer – players, parents, weather, the opposition. And you only have limited time and resource to work on what you can control.
I am not saying lower your standards, just think about what is most important. Maybe categorise things in a ‘must, should, could’ list. That will help you to prioritise and know when to spend and conserve your energy.
"If we are honest, the reality of coaching is that maybe 20% of it is about soccer..."
The time I have spent coaching has taught me that I can only do so much. It has been uncomfortable at times – admitting that I haven’t got the time to do certain things, or letting things go that I’m not happy with.
But being more realistic and accepting of limitations has focused my mind on the things that are most important and the areas I can have the most impact on.
If we are honest, the reality of coaching is that maybe 20% of it is about soccer.
The rest of it is about administration, organisation, working with people, managing behaviours, ensuring safety - the list could go on and on.
The reality is that coaching is really hard. It can be draining and all-absorbing. There are things coaches have to deal with that are incredibly difficult, and often we end up taking the emotions around those things home with us.
Coaching can also be really exposing – there are times when you may have had the worst day imaginable, yet go to training in the evening and stand up in front of a group of 20 children to deliver a session.
Being an adult holding that space is not easy at the best of times, let alone when you are not feeling great.
Recently, I dealt with a difficult safeguarding incident with one of my players and was really upset about it. My partner, an incredibly experienced youth worker, said something to me that I think every coach should hear: “Being upset doesn’t mean that you are a bad coach who can’t handle these things. It means that it is a difficult situation that is bound to have an impact."
It was a really important reminder, when I needed it most, that I’m human, too.
Coaching can be very lonely. We might see lots of coaches on social media, on courses or at events, but the reality is that a lot of coaching work is solitary.
It is easy, in that solitude, to feel like maybe some of what you are going through is unique.
The truth is that, while no two people will ever have the same experience, there are bound to be other coaches who have gone through, or are going through, similar things.
A support network doesn’t have to be massive – it can be one or two people that you can bounce ideas off, share stories with and trust to give you an ear when you need it.
It also doesn’t have to be entirely made up of coaches – different perspectives from outside the soccer ‘bubble’ can be really helpful, and give you a sense of grounding and reality when you need it.
This one, to be honest, is so much easier said than done.
More often than not, teams, clubs and coaching environments will be stretched – for volunteers, time and resources. It becomes incredibly easy for lines to get blurred and roles that are meant to focus on one thing to get moulded and stretched to include numerous other things.
If you are not clear with yourself about how much time you have to commit, what you are willing to do, and how you are going to do it, it is easy to get drawn into things that shouldn’t concern you.
That is not to say you shouldn’t or can’t help out - or pitch in where you can - but, again, you need to understand your limits to keep yourself healthy.
This might take a certain amount of managing up – sharing with the club board, committee or management what you are able and willing to do, or having tough conversations about what you are doing and whether or not it is feasible, long term.
"It is easy to advocate for others – yet we stumble when trying to do so for ourselves..."
It is often really easy to advocate for others, yet we stumble when trying to do so for ourselves. An accountability partner can be really helpful to support with this.
Can you find someone who can give you an honest assessment of what you are doing, and support you to have the tough conversations about it? And can you do the same for them?
This is a question I’m asking myself more and more frequently.
I work with a group of U14 girls and it is incredibly important to me that they know their worth, define their own boundaries, express themselves how they need to, and truly understand that they are valued and appreciated.
How can I preach all of that to my players if I don’t reflect that in my own actions? They need to see these things modelled as much as they are told.
It is really uncomfortable to shine a spotlight on myself in this way, and I know it is going to be a long journey, but I have found that it helps me in challenging moments.
It is quite easy to look at other coaches and think they have things sorted.
One thing I have learned from talking to hundreds of different coaches over the past few years is that this is never true. Every coach has unique struggles, even if it doesn’t appear that way.
I actually find it quite easy to write about my mental health in pieces like this, or share things about it in podcasts or interviews. Talking to a friend or colleague one-on-one about it in more detail, though, is really hard.
Once this season I plucked up the courage to tell my co-coach, “I’m not in a good space today, I need you to lead". Uncomfortable for me, but a massive step.
So I hope you don’t read this and think that I have got it all sorted. Rather, I hope some of the things that I have learned, and continue to learn, along the way, are helpful.
In a recent survey 89% of subscribers said Soccer Coach Weekly makes them more confident, 91% said Soccer Coach Weekly makes them a more effective coach and 93% said Soccer Coach Weekly makes them more inspired.
*includes 3 coaching manuals
Get Weekly Inspiration
All the latest techniques and approaches
Soccer Coach Weekly offers proven and easy to use soccer drills, coaching sessions, practice plans, small-sided games, warm-ups, training tips and advice.
We've been at the cutting edge of soccer coaching since we launched in 2007, creating resources for the grassroots youth coach, following best practice from around the world and insights from the professional game.